Dear Kelly, thank you for your interest in our company. But it isn't you it's us.

So in the past 3 days I've had two interviews (one phone and one in person) and I have another one this Wednesday. However as a wise man once said "eventually  the HR department at one of the places you applied for will get around to  sending you a "personal" rejection email. And that happened today! After opening my 4th rejection email in one day I started to realize that I must be special. For previous job applications, it had taken at least a couple of weeks for the company’s HR department to respond/reject me. This time around, it took just one week for all of my applications to be deemed unworthy. I can only hypothesize the reasons for such quick dismissal.

1. Reason for Rejection 1: Not enough experience. The job description asked for 3-5 years of experience in marketing and/or sales. I have 2.5 years of experience. And one of the few lessons I remember from math class is "rounding up," therefore I think I can say I have 3 years. Apparently they disagree. Oh the 3 years also doesn't count the 4 years of unpaid internships I did all through college.  Also while I have 2.5 years of work experience almost 2 years of that was working on the Hill, so not really marketing. But my theory was I spent my days selling my congressmen's images and thoughts. I figured I could demonstrate my innate marketing talents by positioning myself as an ideal candidate. If I can convince a congressman not to sponsor a bill that means putting Reagan on the 50 dollar bill JUST imagine what I could do for your multi-billion dollar company.
2. Reason for Rejection 2: I'm not a minority, hispanic, or a veteran. I went through this entire application and then at the end it said "minority candidates preferred" Which welp, I'm not. This has been a common theme in my job search process. In every single job application I fill out the end is always the same.There is this "optional" survey that asks what race you are. Sadly, I am pretty much one of the whitest people around. I'm 50 percent Irish and 50 percent German. My middle name is Marie. My bike as a kid had streamers, I owned an obscene amount of Disney VHS's. I used to collect pogs, beanie babies, and had a tamagotchi. After filling out all of these job applications, I'm considering paying one of those online places to do a huge family tree on me. I mean some ancient ancestor of mine had to have some exotic blood? Or I figure since technically we all came from Africa, then I can check a box right? The thing about these surveys is that they say they are optional and you can check a box that says "I don't wish to disclose" which let's be honest if I check that box it might as well scream "My MOM USED TO DRIVE A MINIVAN, MY YARD GROWING UP HAD A NICE FENCE, I LIVED DRIVING DISTANCE FROM AN APPLEBEE's TGI FRIDAY's and a RUBY TUESDAY'S, DURING THE WINTER MY MOM PUTS FLANNEL SHEETS ON MY BED AND I LOVE IT I ALSO PLAYED SOCCER"#whitemiddleclasspeople
3. Rejection Number 3: I don’t understand what the military does and I am not a veteran. This job was marketing focused, but based in the defense industry. The extent of my military knowledge is what I’ve learned from watching movies like Saving Private Ryan, Transformers and G.I. Joe: Rise of COBRA, and what I remember from a 6th grade research paper I did on Pearl Harbor. Also in undergrad the bar we all used to go was filled with Marines getting in fights. Therefore from all of this experience  I’ve concluded that the only people who sell weapons are either bad guys or beautiful women. And I can spot a Marine from a mile away based on his hair cut.
4. Reason for Rejection 4: I’m an independent woman. I thought I was a great fit for this pr firm. They have an office in a foreign city that I’ve studied abroad in, and I’m fluent in that city’s native tongue (Ireland BABY they speak English there so it counts). They were looking for someone who could think of creative solutions and handle the unexpected. Well once when I was making an apple pie I didn't have a rolling pin so I used a bottle of wine and the pie turned out great. Also hello I just got laid off and I wasn't expecting that at all.  The company’s website stressed independence in employees, so I shoved some of that into my cover letter. MISS INDEPENDENT, Miss Unafraid, Miss All the Single Ladies, etc! Apparently, that’s not what they were looking for. I also stole that from Kelly Clarkson without proper citation, so I probably got ruled out for “ethics.” Which, by the way,  in my opinion are subjective.

In other news I ran the army 10 miler yesterday and had a great time! I PR and was feeling great about it until today when I went to go look at the results online. Apparently a 73 year old man from Virginia beat my personal best by 5 minutes. He was probably a veteran. 

Tamagotchi: