Thursday, December 8, 2011

La Nomad!

Life Update because work this week has been crazy: Yesterday I went to Harris Teeter and got food all, "Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window, you're going to cook for yourself now on because you're an adult and that's what adults do, FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN!" Which means I boiled pre-cooked pasta, made a salad, poured a glass of red wine, took a picture, sent it to at least five people all, "LOOK AT TME!!1" and now I probably won't do it again for six months.

In other news my office's christmas party is tonight. The dinner reservation is for  13. Why the odd number you may ask? Oh I don't know. Maybe because everyone in my office is either dating or married so they are all bringing significant others. So Kelly here makes it an odd number. WOOP. Some of you may ask if I am bummed since I don't have a serious boyfriend to bring to the party. The answer to that is a resounding NO. You know what I did this weekend? I bought a ticket to Ireland with my friend Angela and I didn't have to worry about asking/telling anyone or making sure if it was ok. I love having the freedom to just go. As angela and I always say: VIVA LA NOMADS!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Why today's nerf guns are causing childhood obesity

I just met my boss's children. The boys are 12 and 10. They started playing with the office nerf guns (yes those exist) and somehow we ended up talking about the differences between old school 90s nerf  guns and the ones today. This progressed to Tamagotchi's. I brought them up and one of my fellow co-worker's who is my age clapped with glee. Who didn't love tamagochi's? At some point, every kid in my glass when I was in 4th/5th grade carried around little plastic eggs with tiny screens on them — in these screens lived our hearts, our pets, our lives, our very own Tamagotchi. We loved them, we listened to their tiny electronic screams of malnourishment, and we occasionally forgot to pick up their poop for long enough that they died a tortured, poop-filled death. Or sometimes we just stopped feeding them to see what would happen (what? it wasn't just me who did that. Stop judging). They were perhaps our first foray into the life-consuming world of electronics and self-absorption, later to be fully manifested by Facebook.

The two boys had no idea what we were talking about. Probably because now a days when you are 10 you already have an ipod,ipad,iphone, or some other kind of cell phone. Well I got a tamagotchi before I had an email address that should tell you how old I am.

I just realized that when I was in 4th grade FIFTEEN YEARS AGO. I'm old.

I'm going to show my age here for a moment but when we were discussing nerf guns everyone (and by everyone I mean everyone in the office who was in their 20s or older) decided that kid's today are wimps. Look at the average nerf gun from 1995. This is the type of gun my brother and I would have played with:

Simple. But deadly. You had to pump in order to fire and it couldn't go that far and it wasn't that accurate. so if you wanted to hit someone you had to work with it. this taught kids in my generation how to plan and race forward to your opponent with no fear. It also ensured that we had to get off of our lazy butts and run around in order to inflict pain on someone.

Now let's look at what the average nerf gun is today.

No you are not mistaken. those nerf guns are a sniper rifle and a machine gun. they can also hit up to like 300 yards apparently so now a days kids can just plop right down on the ground and hit their opponent while eating. and they hold a lot more ammo then the nerf guns I grew up with.

When people wonder why kid's today are lazy and fat they don't need to look any farther then nerf guns.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I am Phoebe from Friends.

My twenty-fifth birthday is November 17th, 2011. I will officially be in my mid twenties. I literally can't believe I will be 2. A quarter of a century! 5 years from 30! And I still don't own a car, I rent, drink way to much coffee, and I have yet to put the frame on my bed so currently I'm sleeping on just the boxsprings and the mattress. Clearly I am not ready to be 25.

This struck home the other day when I realized that early episodes of “Friends” were about people my age or marginally older. This revelation was followed by 

“Oh, God. I hope I’m not Ross.” Advanced degree in something obscure? Nope. PHEW. 
"Oh, GOD. I'm Phoebe aren't I. I really am." A little strange? Check. Runs weird? Check. Can't really sing but has a lot of bold confidence? Check Check Check.

I really am the Phoebe of my group.

What I really have in common with the cast of Friends is that I do have great friends. Luckily they aren't all neurotic and terrible soap tv actors. And because I love them all I'm warning all of my DC friends that I see tomorrow night that I may or may not get drunk and dance around singing this theme song all night. I would really appreciate it if you would join in on the clapping part. Maybe we can go dance in a fountain to. Wait, hello? anyone still there?

Monday, November 14, 2011

An email I sent to my friends (aka B, A, C, and P) a while ago


I would like to preface this email by stating that I, Kelly Hoffman, for all intents and purposes, am an intelligent young woman. I spent 17 years in private schools and have had WAY to much math tutoring. I graduated with honors in both college and high school. I enjoy watching Jeopardy and the History Channel. I READ. Clearly, I'm a highly enlightened individual.
That being said, I learned something today that blew my effing mind



WTF: loook at this: they look like puppies! for almost 25 years i have thought wolverines were just wolves on hybrids and weren't real. 

WTF?!?!?!?!? I can't even put into words how shaken up I am by this revelation. Do you guys understand that I have spent my entire adult life thinking that wolverine were mythical creatures on par with unicorns? MY ENTIRE LIFE. but guess what? they are as real as you and me! They exist on this planet! They are  mammals! They've been classified! that is how real they are!

I've been google image seaching wolverines all afternoon and the only thing stopping me from leaving work because of having my mind literally BLOWN is this comical image:

But you know what worries me the most? that I managed to get through 17 years of school without learning about wolverines. that in and of itself is mind blowing to me. I mean i took biology in high school and college level biology and evolution. Where was the information on wolverines! I freaking did labs on baby pigs  and how to figure out how I got blue eyes but no one ever talked about wolverines
Why am i so clueless about animals? I've been to the zoo and smithsonians! Did you guys know wolverines were real?

Thank you for listening.

When our Jelly Shoes Coming Back? Those are still cool right?

So I'm always behind fads. I'm always the last person to figure out something is cool. Actually by the time I find out about something it probably isn't cool. I've also been accused by friends (cough Caroline cough) that when I find something I like I tend to buy a bunch of the same thing. This is why I own a ton of hoodies, sweater dresses, and no high-waisted skirts. Anyway, what I'm trying to get at here is this: have you guys heard about these new-fangled Tide to Go pens?!

That's my personal Tide to Go pen. No big deal.

This is like the absolute coolest things I have ever seen in my entire life. I always thought Shout Wipes and Tide to Go pens were unnecessary little expenditures that probably didn't work, but then I got one! See today on my way to work I all of a sudden looked down at my dress and realized I had a huge stain on it. OF COURSE. I recently switched out my summer clothes for winter clothes and apparently the last time I wore the dress I spilled something on it and then never ever brought it to the dry cleaners. ( I never bring things to the dry cleaners. I always end up making a pile of stuff I'm planning on bringing but finally I give up and realize this won't happen and just put it all back in my closet.)This is why I get for hitting snooze 5 times and then getting dressed in the dark with my eyes closed.  Also because "Hi my name is Kelly and I am a huge klutz and God wanted to interject some humor into his day." Anyway I had a huge stain that was incredibly noticeable.  And I only started work last Tuesday so I don't think it's really time to roll into the office looking like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown. I then ran to a nearby CVS and got a Tide go Go pen in a last-ditch effort to get the stain out. AND IT WORKED! This blows my  mind. The dress looks brand new. I mean, it was a dark coffee stain that had been embedded in that dress for a year and in a matter of minutes it was gone! My world has been rocked.

So in conclusion:

Things I support: Sweater dresses, hoodies, Tide to Go pens, and starbust jelly beans
Things I do not support: high waist skirts
and dry cleaning

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Football vs Common Sense

“You saw 10-year-olds raped in the shower? — Ah, well. So, listen, on this next play…”

So clearly the news for this week is all about Joe Paterno and Penn State. Until I moved out to DC I had no idea that people were obsessed with Penn State as they are. I actually have a lot of friends who are from PA or went to Penn State and their facebook wall's were exploding with all kinds of interesting things this past week.

Which I feel like I should preface this post by saying that I have no connection to Penn State at all. And I have never gone to a school with a football cult so I don't have the same feelings that others may have. However I do know right from wrong and I think Penn State was in the right for firing "JoePa"

I do admit to shaking my head in disgust when the news showed students rioting at Penn State after news broke that Joe Pa was fired. Nothing like a bunch of college students hopped on keystone light rallying. Apparently some of these students and alumni think sports are more important than making a growing list of child rapist enablers pay for being.. well, child rapist enablers. Except that dumb wasn’t contained to just Penn State, and if you’re like me you were slapped in the face on Facebook with football worshipers acting like Joe Paterno was innocently nailed to a cross like Christ himself. So let’s address some of the more bs lines coming out of this thing, and keep in mind these are actual defenses I’ve seen on facebook or have read:

“Joe Paterno is a scapegoat!”
Yes, because clearly Joe Paterno is the only person suffering any consequences for this whole debacle, and he’s not one of at least five people as of this post either fired and/or arrested. That was just a mirage.

“If you’re yelling more loudly for Joe Paterno to be fired than for Jerry Sandusky, you’re an idiot.”
This one boggles the mind and I saw this one repeatedly. Apparently if you support Joe Paterno being fired for letting this happen in his house, you’re sitting back going, “Now that Sandusky fellow, he’s
alright…” Incredible logic.

“Why is no one calling for Mike McQueary to be fired?!”
You have to admire the simpletons that try to turn this into an either/or situation thanks to a brain mushified from watching men in tights move a ball down a field four hours on end. You can want Paterno fired AND McQueary fired at the same time. (I just blew your mind, I know.) They should both go down, especially McQueary who apparently sees kids being raped and doesn’t go, “Hey, stop raping that kid.” How do you even justify that? “Well, your honor, I had to put my shoes away and then go home and ask my daddy what to do. My hands were tied.” I can't even wrap my mind around McQueary. How do you see something like that and instead of putting a stop to it right away and grabbing the kid you run home and tell your dad. McQueary wasn't 12 he was a grown man. And look I tell my parents everything to but there comes a point in your life where you need to stop with the playground thinking of "MOOMM DADDDD, He pushed me and settle your business" I've also heard people say "Well you don't know what you would have done in his position." Which wrong. I know EXACTLY what I would do. First I would grab a chair and whack Sandusky with it. Then I would grab the kid wrap him in whatever I could find and get him out of there. What I would not do is leave him alone with Sandusky to finish and go home. If you are a normal human being with morals I hope you know what you would do in this situation.

By the way McQueary is a ginger. That says everything right there. I also read the grand jury report and McQueary admitted to seeing a naked Sandusky raping a child about 10 in a shower. And he did nothing. Oh wait he did do something he accepted a permanent job on the football team after bearing witness to that.

“We just sacrificed an old man for a witch hunt. That’s what our society has come to.”
If holding every complicit person who let kids get raped to protect the reputation of sports team accountable is a witch hunt, give me a Pilgrim hat and a copy of The Scarlet Letter.

“But Joe Paterno’s legacy! Sixty years of coaching and this is going to be how he’s remembered?”
Kids. Got. Raped. I can't repeat this enough. Apparently that’s not as important as making sure a guy who devoted decades to a meaningless game is remembered as a dear, sweet grandfather type and not as an egomaniacal, good old boy who decided to quietly treat child rape like people in the 1950s treated spousal abuse to protect his “legacy.” Seriously, people. It's FOOTBALL.

“I feel bad for Joe PA. Oh, and it’s a shame about the kids.”
Look back through your Facebook and/or Twitter feed and notice how many times you see that statement with the part about the kids added as an afterthought. “No, not the football coach! — Oh, right, those kids. I guess they kind of got it bad, too.” Priorities, people.

I could go on and on with this, but bottom line, Joe Paterno was one of many, many people who covered up child rape to protect  his legacy and sports team and, surprise, he made himself the face of Penn State football, so of course he’s going to be the biggest target. That’s the price of a “legacy.” And if you’re looking at this situation going, “But he won so many games!” you’re part of the problem.

The whole thing says so much about where people's priorities lie. I felt the same way when the whole Catholic Church scandal happened. Any priest of church official who was told about a priest molesting kids and didn't do anything or follow up on it is just as guilty. Joe Pa reported it to campus police and continued on with his life. If he held as much sway and power as everyone is saying he did at Penn State he should have stepped up. But he didn't. Instead his legacy will be tarnished forever. Yeah he won the most games in college football history but that will just be a footnote in his life now.

All it takes for evil to happen is for good men to do nothing. Which is what happened here.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011


1.) Sorry for the lack of posts! This week has been crazy with the new job.
2.) So far so good on the job front, everyone is really nice and I haven't gotten yelled at yet so thumbs up!
3.) My boss gave me a nerf gun to keep at my desk apparently everyone gets one and the only rules are you aren't allowed to shoot someone when they are on the phone. WIN
4.) I turn 25 a week from tomorrow and after writing that sentence I have officially started my quarter life crisis. I've decided to embrace my mid-twenties. For one thing clearly the mid twenties are supposed to be the best time in your life. Think of how many sitcoms have characters in their mid-twenties early thirties. Friends! How I met Your Mother, New Girl, Big Bang Theory, the list goes on!
5.) I can't stop reading about Kim Kardashian's divorce. 
6.) A longer post will follow on Friday!