17+ Years of Catholic Education Got Me Here

This turned into a bit of a rant but those volunteers from planned parenthood, feed the children, epa, greenpeace, africa has hungry kids who knew?, drive me insane. All they do is harass you on the street to sponsor a sick kid. Gawd they are just the worst. I know that they're just trying to save lives and build hospitals around the world and I recognize that that's noble and beautiful and blah, blah, blah, so stop shaking your head at me, But really, they're the worst. And here's why:

First of all, they strategic! Every morning when I leave the gym I encounter the "sweatshirt mafia" right by the starbucks. Luckily I've had enough run-ins to know how they work:
 

1.) They work in pairs and are staggered down the street. That way when you see one and veer towards the other side of the sidewalk to miss them, you run directly into another

2.) They're engaging. They don't start off by directly asking for money. They first ask about you and make eye contact. Normally they'll start by innocently asking how you are or ask if you are having a good day. And the thing is, they seem to genuinely care about the answer, which I always accidentally appreciate. Seriously, it always gets me. Like I always feel rude if I just ignore someone. BUT DON'T FALL FOR IT! YOU CAN'T ANSWER! DO NOT PASS GO AND COLLECT 500! Because then they've got you. You might as well just punch yourself in the heart, give them your wallet and checking account number and walk away. Because people are sick and if you give them an inch, they'll take a mile. You think you're having an innocent conversation about yourself with an attractive sweatshirt or vest individual and all of a sudden you're sponsoring a kid in Africa for $30 a month—which is only a dollar a day when you really think about it, HAHAH
3.) They're attractive. This increases the odds that you'll answer when they ask how you are. I've fallen for this before and it isn't pretty. one time I was walking to get coffee at work when I locked eyes with an attractive individual. He gave me a full blown smile and said "Hey, what are you up to?" And I responded "Just gettin' coffee." When he volunteer-tsuanmied me with "Well what if instead of buying an overpriced cup of coffee every day, you decided to make a difference in the life of—" WTF! He was wearing the sweatshirt under his northface jacket, so sneaky!! I pushed him out of the way, picked up the pieces of my heart and got myself a delicious venti cafe misto at Starbucks.
4.) They are crazy!! Whatever strategy you normally use to deflect the usual solicitors in the street won't do a  thing to stop these crazies. Listening to music on your i-pod? They'll shout. Not making eye contact? They'll get up in your personal space and make sure you see them. Got a "don't mess with me," look on your face? Yea. They'll mess with you. Trust me. 

I know this post makes me seem like a jerk but here's the thing I do help people. My friends will be the first ones to tell you that I am always giving money out to homeless people, I donate clothes regularly, give blood every 6 weeks, and doing reading tutoring for kids, but I just don't want to give my credit card information to these weirdos!
 

It's not that I don't want to believe in some of the stuff these volunteers do. I do. I really do. It's just that I don't have the means. Despite this fabulous lifestyle I lead of wearing Target and buy no brand toilet paper, I don't actually have a lot of disposable income. So I don't appreciate you making me feel like a soulless jerk for not wanting to give you my credit card information on the streets of DC. I've got bigger things on my mind, thank you. Like my rent. So I'm sorry but I really would like to keep the heat on so I think I'm going to go keep the $30 a month, if that's okay with you.

When I worked in Chinatown I saw these Planned Parenthood mafia volunteers outside the metro all the time. And here's the thing I don't care what organization you work for, I hate all of them equally, so I'm very open. But these people were the WORST. They would start harassing me the second I got off the metro. and you know what? 8:15am on a Monday morning is not the time to ask me for money. I don't know about you, but the morning for me is just a big one-woman battle to get to work on time.  I got a Woman in Tennis Shoes standing on the left side of the escalator so I can't keep walking, or I have someone lighting up a cigarette in my face on the escalator or I have a woman walking behind me who keeps ramming her baby stroller into my ankles. At this point, my #1 priority is to keep myself from breaking an ankle.

Given that information, maybe it's not the best idea to get all up in my face and ask, "Got a minute?" because, guess what ? I don't. So I'm going to look away and keep walking. And after I do, don't just laugh it off and say, "Welp, I guess someones in a hurry! I'll catch you later!" ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Yes jerk! I am in a hurry! It's 827 on a Monday morning! I'm not taking an early morning stroll! I'm in a hurry and I have to get to work, I'm sorry! Maybe we can rap about Malaria and what horrible person I am some other time.

After dealing with this for 6 months I came up with a fool proof strategy for dealing with any of these people. Whenever any of them try to talk to me I just say "Sorry, I already donated/signed up/gave blood. etc:  Don't even make it a full sentence like, "Oh, I'm sorry, I've already donated" Just say it quick and forcefully. "ALREADY DID." Ever since I have implemented that my morning commutes became a lot easier.

BTW: I got a job offer last week and start next Tuesday! Which is perfect since ya know i got denied unemployment (grrr) and my last severance check gets cashed today. The best part about this is that I will be working for normal people and not for my old ceo who once called himself the "steve jobs of our industry" with a straight face.